Divorcing Facebook…

So, I did it.

Immediately after my last post (here), I went ahead and deleted Facebook and Messenger from my phone…and let me tell you folks, it was the BEST DECISION I could have ever made.

Pure love.
Pure love.

I knew that I had a problem. I knew, and would catch myself, mindlessly staring at Facebook and scrolling through the Newsfeed while at home. I was missing out on life. Even though I thought that it wasn’t a big deal, my kids noticed.

Now that I don’t have it, I am so much more aware and catch how often they are looking at me….soaking in my every move….seeing how I interpret the world teaches them, through example, how to do the same. What was I teaching them? That I had been away from them all day at work…and now that we are together, my phone is more important? What a bitch move, on my part. Continue reading “Divorcing Facebook…”

Forty forty

Oh, you don’t know what “forty forty” is? Apparently it is a unit of measurement….but also can be the time of day. This all, of course, is from the mind of a too-soon-to-be 3-year-old little man.

First thing in the morning, as he is climbing into our bed and I am reaching for my phone to see what time it is:

Jbug – Whatcha doing, mama?

Seeing what time it is…

Jbug – It’s forty forty

Oh….right…. Continue reading “Forty forty”

Chicken Butt

Scene: Bangor, Maine

Time: 5:15ish a.m.

creeeeeeeeaaaaak SLAM…..pat pat pat pat……SLAM.

I rearrange the pillows and move over while Jude climbs into bed with us…as he does every.single.morning. Through the drooley binkie:

J – “Hi Mumma.”

“It’s early lovie, try to go back to sleep.”

J – “OK.”

…..

…..

Continue reading “Chicken Butt”

I feel like I’m drowning.

Do you ever get the feeling that you are gasping for air?

There is always another bill, another stress, another chore, another meltdown that makes me feel that the moment that I can finally breathe there is yet another thing that is pushing me farther under water. And it’s making me tired…being perpetually stuck in this rut.

I feel consumed by sadness. And stress. Can’t forget the stress. And this is not how I envisioned things would be.

I “have” it all: a house, a loving Husband, a {crazy} dog, a wildly independent daughter, and a mischievously independent toddler. So…what the crap?

It’s hard to appreciate the everyday nuances when you are drowning. I picked up a another {seasonal} job working nights because last winter was just.so.hard. I have no idea how we pulled through. This is not the first time that I’ve held a second job on top of a full time day job. But this is the first time that there has been a toddler at home that just dreams of being with his mama every waking second. And, the fact that mama is not home is starting to wear on everybody.

Jman has been acting out at home far worse than he ever has…there is some demon that has taken over his brain/body. Luckily, he is not acting this way at school….but it doesn’t make the brief time that I have with him at home any easier. He is used to me putting him to bed…and I haven’t done that in weeks. He is used to snuggling up with me…and I can’t drag my ass out of bed because my eyes burn so badly from being so exhausted. My new best friend is the amount of concealer I put under my eyes each morning to {try} fool the world that I’m ok…that I’ve got this. But J doesn’t understand that I’m doing this to help us stay afloat, that it’s short term….to be able to stay on top of all the bills and heat our home, put food on the table, and help Santa. All he knows: I’m not there.

The time we get with A is already really limited and since the end of September…I’ve been gone with work…missing out on even more moments. Husband has been a rock and picking up all of the extras. Giving thanks and showing appreciation feel minuscule towards the mountain of work this has added for him.

But this isn’t how I saw things for us. I saw us together. I saw a family unit that could handle anything and that as long as we were laughing, life couldn’t get any better. I saw a house full of kids (and not worrying about the daycare costs of having more) and laughter and more ticks on the molding to measure the growing bodies.

I want to be present, and yet I’m not….I’m just drowning.

Another year older

All of my babies are July babies.

 

May 2014
May 2014

It’s hard to believe that I now have a 2-year-old, a 3-year-old (our dog, Bailey), and a 9-year-old! How is this even possible? I’m not old enough to have two human babies that are 2 and 9. Summer is in full swing and A has already been on multiple away-from-home vacations. She started with her second annual trip to Georgia, then met us in Pennsylvania at Hershey Park to celebrate her and J’s birthdays, and is now in PEI with her mom. I’m tired just thinking of all the car time she has had but also excited for all of these adventures for her. Continue reading “Another year older”

Alyx and Jude sporting headbands
A and J sporting headbands

My kids are growing faster than the speed of light.

So much has happened during this past month-ish that it is hard to keep track. A is quickly wrapping up third grade…THIRD GRADE!!! Didn’t she just learn to walk? How is this even possible?

Lots has happened over these fleeting weeks. J’s vocabulary is out of control. Sometimes I can’t help but laugh at all of the things that come from this tiny person. He has said everything from “uh oh, spaghettio” to “no way Jose!,” but my favorite is “I love you Mama.”

In April, we went on vacation!! We traveled down to Savannah, Georgia to visit Husband’s Dad and step-mom. I won’t lie, I was super nervous about flying with J. I wasn’t sure how he would do with his ears, etc.  But he was AMAZING. I mean…I have a super awesome kid. He was a PRO. Continue reading “Who is this little person?”

Hi, have we met?

Well, hello there stranger. Every time I think “holy hell, I need to do a blog post” something else happens that steals my time and then more time passes. Damn. Well, I’m getting back on the train: pre-New Year’s Resolution. I don’t know what is happening but my family has entered some sort of a time warp where things are just FLYING by. Then other days I am just staring at the clock until it’s time for the kids to go to bed.

Goofing Off
Goofing Off

Here is the lowdown: J is 16 months old. He started walking at about 13 months and I am doing everything in my power just to keep up. I know that when you have more than one child chances are they will NOT be carbon copies of each other. And why would you want that? But life is SO different with this toddler than our last experience. With A, we never had to baby proof the house. We put a hair tie (seriously) around the doorknobs of the under-the-sink stuff, told her not to touch, and that was it. With J, we have had to bolt everything down. All of the cabinets have those lock things on them and I think our under-the-sink supplies are now parent-proof too. Can’t ever get the damn thing open!

Plus, he will not. sit. still. A, you could sit and read a story with, do a puzzle, or just snuggle. The moment little man’s eyes ping open in the morning he is go. Go. GO! But man, is he funny. He has such a personality and knows when he is making you laugh. He does nothing but love (in between the hitting) and just wants to be where everyone is. He is such a joy and I am a better person and a better mom because of him. Continue reading “Hi, have we met?”