Oh hello, it’s me again.

So, you know when you have all the best intentions to do something, but then you don’t? No? I’m alone on this one? I’m calling a giant BS on that one. Well, this blog was my best intention. I like to write. I like to document the silly little nothings that happen and be able to look back and reminisce. And, I like that I get to be as talkative as I want here and am not filling up your Facebook feed with my nonsense.

Continue reading “Oh hello, it’s me again.”

Since you’ve been gone…

Before you, I was very independent.

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Young, independent me. Circa 2009.

I had roommates, I managed the finances for the roommates to ensure rent and utilities were paid on time. I cooked (back then it wasn’t anything spectacular), did housework, and generally was only responsible for myself.

Now, I know that now that there are kids involved – there are little folks who are relying on me – and they aren’t the ones I am talking about.  Continue reading “Since you’ve been gone…”

Sneaky Veggies (the best kind)

Kids are weird.

What is sometimes okay to eat, very often turns into something that is extremely “yucky.” Not sure how that happens…maybe it is the most common used method of torture.

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Shell hunting in Bar Harbor requires lots of energy!!

As parents, it is our responsibility to not feed crap to our kids all the time. A was a super-eater. She never balked at meat-based protein or veggies or anything. She was just happy eating. However, she LOVED yogurt. If she saw yogurt before she had finished her supper, she would immediately stop eating, refusing to take another bite, and start squawking until she got the yogurt. I guess there are worse things. Continue reading “Sneaky Veggies (the best kind)”

Pregnant.

Ok, well, I’m not….but I’m sure someone, somewhere is. Well, actually, I know someone who is and I am SO EXCITED.

It has been 9-months since my last post and I am SO awful. Terrible. Can’t believe that I have been in hiatus for the amount of time that I could have been pregnant. And, I know I’ve said it before, but I will be making this a priority. In fact, it is one of my “chores.”

Continue reading “Pregnant.”

Divorcing Facebook…

So, I did it.

Immediately after my last post (here), I went ahead and deleted Facebook and Messenger from my phone…and let me tell you folks, it was the BEST DECISION I could have ever made.

Pure love.
Pure love.

I knew that I had a problem. I knew, and would catch myself, mindlessly staring at Facebook and scrolling through the Newsfeed while at home. I was missing out on life. Even though I thought that it wasn’t a big deal, my kids noticed.

Now that I don’t have it, I am so much more aware and catch how often they are looking at me….soaking in my every move….seeing how I interpret the world teaches them, through example, how to do the same. What was I teaching them? That I had been away from them all day at work…and now that we are together, my phone is more important? What a bitch move, on my part. Continue reading “Divorcing Facebook…”

Forty forty

Oh, you don’t know what “forty forty” is? Apparently it is a unit of measurement….but also can be the time of day. This all, of course, is from the mind of a too-soon-to-be 3-year-old little man.

First thing in the morning, as he is climbing into our bed and I am reaching for my phone to see what time it is:

Jbug – Whatcha doing, mama?

Seeing what time it is…

Jbug – It’s forty forty

Oh….right…. Continue reading “Forty forty”

Chicken Butt

Scene: Bangor, Maine

Time: 5:15ish a.m.

creeeeeeeeaaaaak SLAM…..pat pat pat pat……SLAM.

I rearrange the pillows and move over while Jude climbs into bed with us…as he does every.single.morning. Through the drooley binkie:

J – “Hi Mumma.”

“It’s early lovie, try to go back to sleep.”

J – “OK.”

…..

…..

Continue reading “Chicken Butt”

For the mamas….

Proof that he knew how to sleep. Jude, approximately 1 month.
Proof that he knew how to sleep. J, approximately 1 month.

To all of my fellow mamas who are up rocking at all hours of the night….it doesn’t last forever.

To my fellow mamas who are smiling through tears as you wonder “why doesn’t s/he sleep?” …. it doesn’t last forever.

To my fellow mamas who are just wishing, that your beautiful babe will just lay down, or doesn’t need to be rocked, or nursed, or comforted at 2 a.m. … it doesn’t last forever.

I am speaking to you from the other side.  Continue reading “For the mamas….”

For 2015 – I have big plans.

Happy New Year!

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Family.

2015 HAS to be better than 2014. It just has to be. But you know who’s fault it is that 2014 was as hard/sucky/shitty/stressful as it was? Well, I’m not going to take all of the blame…but I certainly hold a high percentage of the blame. But you know what? 2015 is NOT going to be like that.

Continue reading “For 2015 – I have big plans.”

I feel like I’m drowning.

Do you ever get the feeling that you are gasping for air?

There is always another bill, another stress, another chore, another meltdown that makes me feel that the moment that I can finally breathe there is yet another thing that is pushing me farther under water. And it’s making me tired…being perpetually stuck in this rut.

I feel consumed by sadness. And stress. Can’t forget the stress. And this is not how I envisioned things would be.

I “have” it all: a house, a loving Husband, a {crazy} dog, a wildly independent daughter, and a mischievously independent toddler. So…what the crap?

It’s hard to appreciate the everyday nuances when you are drowning. I picked up a another {seasonal} job working nights because last winter was just.so.hard. I have no idea how we pulled through. This is not the first time that I’ve held a second job on top of a full time day job. But this is the first time that there has been a toddler at home that just dreams of being with his mama every waking second. And, the fact that mama is not home is starting to wear on everybody.

Jman has been acting out at home far worse than he ever has…there is some demon that has taken over his brain/body. Luckily, he is not acting this way at school….but it doesn’t make the brief time that I have with him at home any easier. He is used to me putting him to bed…and I haven’t done that in weeks. He is used to snuggling up with me…and I can’t drag my ass out of bed because my eyes burn so badly from being so exhausted. My new best friend is the amount of concealer I put under my eyes each morning to {try} fool the world that I’m ok…that I’ve got this. But J doesn’t understand that I’m doing this to help us stay afloat, that it’s short term….to be able to stay on top of all the bills and heat our home, put food on the table, and help Santa. All he knows: I’m not there.

The time we get with A is already really limited and since the end of September…I’ve been gone with work…missing out on even more moments. Husband has been a rock and picking up all of the extras. Giving thanks and showing appreciation feel minuscule towards the mountain of work this has added for him.

But this isn’t how I saw things for us. I saw us together. I saw a family unit that could handle anything and that as long as we were laughing, life couldn’t get any better. I saw a house full of kids (and not worrying about the daycare costs of having more) and laughter and more ticks on the molding to measure the growing bodies.

I want to be present, and yet I’m not….I’m just drowning.