Before you, I was very independent.
I had roommates, I managed the finances for the roommates to ensure rent and utilities were paid on time. I cooked (back then it wasn’t anything spectacular), did housework, and generally was only responsible for myself.
Now, I know that now that there are kids involved – there are little folks who are relying on me – and they aren’t the ones I am talking about.
When you and I first met, you were aware of my independent-ness. Even to the point where I said (out loud) “I don’t need you to take care of me.” I needed you to know that I wasn’t looking for a caretaker, but for a friend, a confidant, a partner, and someone to be in this adventure with me, not doing things for me.
But over the years….there has been a shift. I’ve become lazy. You do things for me when I was so adamant in those early years for you to not. And I’ve let you. I’ve become stagnant and although I feel that I tell you how much I appreciate it, I don’t think it is coming across.
And then you left.
This is the trip of a lifetime for you. I knew that I would be OK. I once was able to do things for myself. Hell, I am still the only person in our house that knows how to change the toilet paper roll.
But you being gone has forced me to really see how far I’ve fallen over the years. I’m the one getting up with J in the morning, getting him settled, and warm milk and breakfast. I’m the one getting him dressed, getting my coffee, getting lunches made, and getting myself together. I’m making sure the dog goes out and gets fed. I’m making sure that the fridge is stocked, the dinners are made, and that the coffee pot is set for the morning. I’m the one that is doing the nighttime routine – bathing, teeth brushing, jammies (typically your “job”) and I would just bob up the stairs for story time, tucking in, kisses and lights out.
And what I’ve realized in these five days, is that I don’t need you.
I’ve gained my independence back. I’m up in the morning (although I’m quite tired today) – really enjoying those extra snuggles with Jude. I am getting myself going earlier – not feeling rushed to get out the door.
Although I realize that I don’t need you – I want you. I miss your company. I miss your sarcasm, how hard you can make me laugh and how I always catch you glancing at me. I miss just lounging with you. And, I do miss you bringing me coffee in bed in the morning and waking me up (have to be truly honest about that one, ha!).
So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have moved away from my independence and have counted on you for so many things that we should be navigating together. I know you do it all because you love me, our family, and feeling that you are really providing for us. But, this is not who I am – nor do I want to be that person.
In five days, you will come home to a different household. Although I have missed you like crazy, I am so thankful for this time apart for me really to get a new routine in place for myself. It was the swift kick in the ass that I really needed.
I’m excited to reintroduce you to more of the me I once was.
I am not a total ass. I do provide for our house/family in many other ways. =)