I feel like I’m drowning.

Do you ever get the feeling that you are gasping for air?

There is always another bill, another stress, another chore, another meltdown that makes me feel that the moment that I can finally breathe there is yet another thing that is pushing me farther under water. And it’s making me tired…being perpetually stuck in this rut.

I feel consumed by sadness. And stress. Can’t forget the stress. And this is not how I envisioned things would be.

I “have” it all: a house, a loving Husband, a {crazy} dog, a wildly independent daughter, and a mischievously independent toddler. So…what the crap?

It’s hard to appreciate the everyday nuances when you are drowning. I picked up a another {seasonal} job working nights because last winter was just.so.hard. I have no idea how we pulled through. This is not the first time that I’ve held a second job on top of a full time day job. But this is the first time that there has been a toddler at home that just dreams of being with his mama every waking second. And, the fact that mama is not home is starting to wear on everybody.

Jman has been acting out at home far worse than he ever has…there is some demon that has taken over his brain/body. Luckily, he is not acting this way at school….but it doesn’t make the brief time that I have with him at home any easier. He is used to me putting him to bed…and I haven’t done that in weeks. He is used to snuggling up with me…and I can’t drag my ass out of bed because my eyes burn so badly from being so exhausted. My new best friend is the amount of concealer I put under my eyes each morning to {try} fool the world that I’m ok…that I’ve got this. But J doesn’t understand that I’m doing this to help us stay afloat, that it’s short term….to be able to stay on top of all the bills and heat our home, put food on the table, and help Santa. All he knows: I’m not there.

The time we get with A is already really limited and since the end of September…I’ve been gone with work…missing out on even more moments. Husband has been a rock and picking up all of the extras. Giving thanks and showing appreciation feel minuscule towards the mountain of work this has added for him.

But this isn’t how I saw things for us. I saw us together. I saw a family unit that could handle anything and that as long as we were laughing, life couldn’t get any better. I saw a house full of kids (and not worrying about the daycare costs of having more) and laughter and more ticks on the molding to measure the growing bodies.

I want to be present, and yet I’m not….I’m just drowning.