I’m not religious…I just pray a lot….

When I say that out loud, it reminds of that rapper guy….the bald one….who sang, “I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.” Ha! I don’t even know what that means…

This little man is 20-months old!
This little man is 20-months old!

Anyway….where has the time gone? J is 20-months old!?!?! Seriously. I feel as though I have just been in this fog and time is passing by while I am standing still. Everything around me is growing, shifting, changing, adapting, and I am just watching it happen. Since we’ve last spoken (and please, it’s me…not you), I have had my contract re-upped at my job (yay!), Jude is walking/talking/running and is so stinking smart, and A is continuing to grow like a weed and like her brother (or her brother being like her) is so stinking smart.

Alyx rocking a moustache.
A rocking a moustache.

So…back to the title. I did not grow up in a religious household. Yes, we held hands and did some sort of prayer/thanks at the dinner table, but that was pretty much it. Never went to church on Sundays. Sundays were meant for family, friends, and doing homework or housework that was needed. And that’s the way that it has always been. This is not to say that I don’t believe in something “higher” or more divine…it just hasn’t been a focus of my life. I try, and therefore try to instill in my kids, to live life being the best people they can be and loving themselves and others wholly. In my opinion, that’s pretty damn good.

A typical Sunday
A typical Sunday

However, as you may know from earlier posts, J hasn’t been the best sleeper. Maybe this is payback? I had the BEST pregnancy and labor/delivery. So maybe this is just karma’s way at getting back at me. And what makes it even more of a stab is that I love sleep so very, VERY much.

We’ve tried everything. By “we,” I mean me. Husband and I have a great system. I get up with the Jman in the night (no matter how many times) and Husband gets up with him for the day when J decides that 4 a.m. is time to party (which is every day). This works really well (for me) on the RARE occasions that J sleeps through the night. But those times are few and far between. It’s not horrible…most times it’s just a snuggle, a pat on the butt, finding the binkie, and he’s out. But other times…it’s excruciating.

Like over the past few nights, for example. This is when the praying comes into place. J has some sort of cold or allergy thing going on where he starts coughing in the night….so bad that it wakes him up. And each time that I get him back to sleep, I pray that he will be able to get some rest and sleep through the rest of the night. Yes, I have his intentions in mind….I want him to be rested. He is such a happy and loving little boy and sleep helps keep him that way. But, I also pray in a selfish way. I really want to sleep. I want to sleep for me. Because I am a really happy and loving mom when I get sleep. Does this make me horrible?

Then I kick myself for thinking this way. So, I’m trying to shift my thinking….these days are not going to last forever. I think of it as he needs my comfort in the night. He likes knowing that no matter what, I will always be there and will always come when he calls. And, against what all the “experts” say, I still rock him to sleep every night. I’ve stopped caring. I love those times…when his body gets heavy and his breathing gets deep as he lays against me. And although the nights seem really long right now, he is not going to be want to be rocked forever. And he’s not going to call out for me in the night forever. Any of you have littles that enjoy your company at all hours of the night? How do you cope?

2 thoughts on “I’m not religious…I just pray a lot….

  1. Elliott still sleeps with me (us). We have a queen sized bed in our room and next the queen sized bed is a twin bed sandwiched between the wall. Elliott (and usually myself) sleep on the twin bed. Elliott literally will not sleep longer than an hour without being held, and he will not sleep during the day alone. So for almost a year now I have been holding him for naps and sleeping with him the entire night. I know this is a temporary situation, but some days I just cannot wait for him to be able to sleep on his own. Co-sleeping, though not ideal, has been the only way that I get even a tiny bit of rest during the night.

    1. I feel your pain…we went through that same thing. But now, Jude just tosses and turns (and I end up getting kicked repeatedly) with bringing him into bed with us. We all sleep better with him in his own room/crib. Naps are a different story….he enjoys to snooze on me on weekends. Doesn’t have that need other places….hang on mama, you can get through this! Do you want to keep him in your room? Or are you looking to transition?

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